


teach my sadness dignity

by Masterofkarate



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alcohol, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, also dennis is really fucking gross and u see his gross mindset w/ women for a sec (i'm sorry)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 18:48:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18976267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masterofkarate/pseuds/Masterofkarate
Summary: Dennis' home from his freshman year on winter break, but he didn't call mac and they ran into each other at a party and they're both sad and worked up.





	teach my sadness dignity

Four drinks in, plus that blunt he smoked on the drive over to the party, Dennis was feeling much better. He’d already ditched Dee, well, Dee ditched him, but that was fine because he wanted to shake the stupid bird. She said she was going to show the guys from their high school what they missed out on. Ever since her doctors told her she didn’t have to wear her back brace 24/7, she thought she was hot shit. Dennis took every opportunity he could to point out to her that she did still have to wear it the majority of the time, and that she would always be the aluminum monster. 

Still, she was without her back brace during the party, trying to flirt. She hadn’t gained enough confidence, however, to keep herself from gagging whenever a semi-attractive piece of shit even looked in her direction. Dennis was pretty sure she’d be puking in the bathroom in no time.

He, on the other hand, was having no luck himself. He’d been trying to find some of his high school triumphs, Maureen Ponderosa or maybe his prom date, anybody, honestly, but he barely recognized the crowd. And the people he did recognize did not seem glad to see him. It blew his mind that the Golden God could return without an elaborate celebration.

Still, he was feeling good. Buzzed, high, and ready to stalk his prey. He had seen one girl on the couch, vacantly laughing at the jokes around her. She had cup after cup and was looking a little bit sad. Vulnerable, lonely. Dennis could easily use this to his advantage.

As he filled up his cup with two parts whiskey and one part off-brand cola one more time, he made his way to the couch. He was intersected before he could even approach the woman. The last person he wanted to see jumped right in his way.

“Dennis! When did you get back?” Mac asked with a bright grin, already trying to pull him into a bear hug, Dennis’ drink sloshing onto the carpet.

“Dude, the fuck are you doing here?” Dennis asked, pushing Mac away. “You couldn’t possibly have been invited to this party.”

“Oh yeah, dude, totally was, I sell weed to like everybody here,” Mac said, still grinning that stupid grin, oblivious to the fact Dennis didn’t want to see him.

“Okay, cool, well then, go do your thing, sell your weed,” Dennis said, shooing Mac away with his hand.

“What the hell, man?” Mac asked, finally catching on. “I haven’t seen you since August! You said you’d call as soon as you got home! Now you’re home and you’re at this party and you didn’t even call me and you’re not even happy to see me!”

“I’m busy!” Dennis yelled. And for the first time, it seemed like people at this damn party noticed him, and of course it was for the wrong reason, and of course that was Mac’s fault.

“Busy? Fuck you’re busy, Dennis! You’re supposed to be my best friend!”

“I haven’t seen you in four months! Shit changed!” Dennis said in a stage whisper, words hissing out from between his teeth as he fought to lower his volume.

“Dude, let’s get outta here,” Charlie said from behind Mac, grabbing at his shoulder.

“Oh great,  _ he’s _ here!” Dennis said with as much disdain as possible, gesturing towards Charlie.

“Charlie, fuck off,” Mac mumbled, but his voice didn’t sound as angry as his words. He grabbed Charlie’s hand and gently pushed it off his shoulders. “I’m fine.”

“You’re drunk man, let’s go, we can go to-”

“I’m fine,” Mac said pointedly, turning back to look at Charlie. “Hey, you go home, I’ll meet you in a bit.”

Charlie huffed and walked out, not even bothering to look at Dennis, which was fine with Dennis. Just fine. He hated that fucking dude. Mac brought Dennis down, sure, but only a few levels. Charlie could drag anybody to the lowest level possible, and then even lower, just by association.

“You’ll meet him home? You live with him now?” Dennis asked, rolling his eyes.

“Things changed,” Mac huffed, crossing his arms. 

“Don’t I know it,” Dennis answered, looking over his shoulder towards the couch, where the sad, drunk girl no longer sat. Dennis sighed and said, “Sorry for being an asshole dude, do you wanna get out of here.”

“Not with you, you didn’t even want to see me.” Mac answered, glaring at Dennis, but Mac’s eyes always told more than he wanted. Mac was hurt. Dennis could tell. 

“Dude, I didn’t mean it that way, I just-” Dennis shook his head dismissively. “Nevermind, you know what, fuck it.”

“Wait, man, I’m sorry, yeah, let’s get out of here.”

Dennis started walking towards the door without another word. They hit the pavement and just started walking. Dennis wasn’t feeling driving, feeling a little too tipsy for that. Plus, there was something about quiet streets and him and Mac that felt too perfect. And somehow, the cold made it better. It made him feel something,  _ anything _ , and he needed to feel right now.

“Where are we going?” Mac asked when they reached the end of the block, breaking a silence that they were both hyper-aware of.

“I don’t know man, I just wanted to walk,” Dennis answered, frustration evident as he shoved his curled fists in his jacket pockets.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, man.” Mac looked around the empty streets, as if trying to think of something to talk about, before asking, “So why didn’t you call?”

“Jesus Christ, dude, I just got home last night!” Dennis snapped.

“Oooohhh,” Mac said, smiling a little. “So you were going to call tomorrow?”

“That’s not what I said.”

“So you weren’t going to call at all?”

“I didn’t say that either!”

“Well you’re not giving me a lot to work with!” Mac shouted, his words bouncing off the brick walls of the quiet houses around them. 

“I don’t owe you shit!” Dennis’ volume rose to match Mac’s now. Fuck control. He had to let go or he’d die. He wanted to feel something, now he was feeling too much. Already. Mac was dangerous that way.

“You don’t owe me shit? You don’t owe me shit?” Mac shouted, he’d stopped walking and grabbed Dennis’ sleeve, stopping him from walking too before giving him a rough shove. “That’s bullshit and you know it! What about the summer, Dennis? You forgot that fucking fast, huh?”

“Shit changed, I told you!” Dennis answered, shoving Mac back just as hard. Now he wished he’d been working on bulking up instead of getting lean and slim. If he was about to actually fight with Mac, he might lose.

“Fuck this, Dennis, you changed, that’s it,” Mac said, he turned around and started walking again, quickly.

Dennis thought about walking to his car. Driving home drunk. Maybe getting Dee from the bathroom of the house party, forcing her to drive. Maybe going back to the party and finding a girl to fuck and numb all of his feelings again.

He went against every instinct in his bones. He followed Mac, jogging after him. He grabbed Mac’s wrist. He wouldn’t dare to be intimate enough to grab Mac’s hand. But his wrist, it was the perfect amount of intimate right now. 

“Mac, wait,” he said softly. He couldn’t apologize. Couldn’t even think about it. He couldn’t beg. This was as much weakness as he could bare to show. 

“Wait for what?” Mac asked, roughly tugging his hand away from Dennis, as if Dennis’ touch hurt.

Of course Dennis’ touch hurt. Everything about Dennis hurt. It hurt himself, it hurt the very few things and people he cared about. The crushing rejection he felt made his stomach flip. He was afraid he’d wretch Dee-style. He quickly recoiled his hand and wrapped his arms around his waist, holding himself. He needed somebody to do it.

“Nevermind, man,” Dennis mumbled, he looked away from Mac. He was too afraid to show weakness, but that’s all he was. An empty, hollow shell of a weak man.

“Don’t try making me feel bad for you now, Dennis, because I don’t. I don’t feel bad at all,” Mac said. His words were punctuated with spaces that were a little too long. He was trying to make a point. But Dennis knew that if he looked at Mac, Mac’s eyes would be filled with worry and sadness. He knew Mac too well. 

And if he’d been trying to manipulate Mac into feeling worried and sad, he’d be really proud of himself right now. But no, Mac was actually worried and sad about the vulnerable truth that Dennis was displaying. And that made Dennis feel sick. Not only was his stomach flipping now, but his heart was starting to beat too fast. He learned in his Intro to Psych class that this was called a panic attack- he never knew there was a name for this feeling before. Knowing the name didn’t help him stop it, though.

“I don’t want you to feel bad for me,” Dennis said, looking back at Mac finally, trying his best to keep his tone even and calm, not giving away the fact he felt like he was dying. He could feel sweat starting to pool in his palms, despite the frosty weather. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you, I’m sorry I wasn’t going to. It’s just been a really shitty semester.”

“Oh yeah, college has been hard on you, huh?” Mac answered, no sympathy evident in his voice. “Charlie and I have been working seventy hours a week, picking up every odd job we can possibly find to afford rent in this shithole apartment we found, Dennis. Do you know how disgusting it is to live with Charlie? I love him, but he’s a fucking slob. And we have literally no friends except for each other, and like, I love Charlie, but I can’t talk to him about- about some of the stuff we talk about, Den. I missed you, I needed you more bad than you needed me, but you don’t give a fuck, it’s all about you, isn’t it, Den?”

“Dude, you don’t fucking need me!” Dennis shouted, reaching out to push Mac again. “Fuck this! I’m not asking for your pity, I’m just trying to talk to you! You think you’re my friend? You’re not!”

“Dennis, I love you!” Mac shouted, his eyes looked like they were about to cry.

Dennis groaned and ran his hand through his hair, giving himself a second to think. Think. What the fuck do you say to that? What the fuck are you  _ supposed  _ to say to that?

“Whatever, fuck it man,” Mac said, turning again.

“You don’t want to love me,” Dennis said from behind Mac, eliciting a dry laugh from his best friend, who was still walking away.

Dennis let Mac walk away, and he stumbled back to the party. He rescued Dee from the bathroom, made her drive home. 

He knew he’d call Mac tomorrow. Half-heartedly apologize. Exaggerate how drunk he’d been. He knew Mac would invite him over while Charlie was at work or something. He knew they’d probably fool around like they did all summer, and then refuse to talk about it afterwards. He knew the words love wouldn’t leave either of their mouths for a long time. He thought about telling Mac why his semester had been rough, about the other guys, about feelings, but he knew he wouldn’t. 

And that was comfortable. It was nice to know that Mac was reliable, that nothing would have to change. Mac wouldn’t try to make anything better, neither would Dennis. They would just bring things back to the same as they’d always been.

He knew it would hurt Mac more than it would hurt him, but that’s why he wasn’t going to call. He didn’t have to feel guilty, though. Mac’s the one who reached out. Mac’s the one who wanted this. Maybe Mac wanted more than what Dennis could give, but Dennis made clear what he was willing to give Mac. And if Mac accepted that, then Dennis had nothing to feel guilty about. 

Things would go back to normal tomorrow. It made Dennis feel both much better and much worse. And this mixture was confusing, so Dennis convinced himself to feel nothing at all.

**Author's Note:**

> title from sad boy by Dear Scott, featured on my Dennis "Bastard Man" Reynolds playlist


End file.
